For the past three years, I have provided you with faithful service and not a single complaint, even when you mistakenly cream cheese the bagel before it goes inside me, pour syrup in my bum or let your bread light on fire. But that is over now and I must move on. As of today, I am tendering my resignation, and I am not sorry. Aside from the abuse, there are many other reasons why I must do so.
Frankly, I cannot stand your body odor. Do you realize that the warm air inside me is not gas, as you emit every day from your smelly glands? I simply heat the air near me, which translates into delicious, toasty bread. However, your stench that wafts into my slots is the only air I can use, and it’s beginning to foul my heating coils. Seriously, you smell like a horde of sick cats defecated inside the rotting carcass of a walrus.
Also, I hear the jokes you make about me. “I’ll bet he’s still warm,” you cackled as you dropped me on the frosted ground near your dog’s urine-infested house. I still get cold on the outside; and I'm definitely cold if I'm not plugged in, dumb ass. And my cord may be small, but I’m still a male toaster, damn it, so stop chuckling about what my bread slot looks like. You have your own toaster hole, but nothing productive comes out of it.
Finally, my sticker says which slot to use if only toasting one slice of bread. How hard is it to abide by that? My mother put it there for a reason, and I would have appreciated if you honored it. Now I have pain on my left side; I could be scrap metal soon.
I’d like to leave on a pleasant note, but I cannot truthfully do so. You are a cruel person with horrible digestive problems, a desire to destroy that which helps you, and a desperate need to clean your sink. It’s not long before she’s going to leave you, too. If you cannot appreciate your appliances, they will not appreciate you. Goodbye, and I hope your stinky ass learns to respect aluminum someday.
Sincerely disgusted, Kitchenaid Pro Line KPTT780PM Toaster
