Roan”Woke”, VA—A new study predicts the support of cancel culture is growing so rapidly that it will inevitably cancel itself. The surprising result comes from 4,096 responses out of Virginia Western Community College, where experts leading the analysis were so confident in their prediction that they declared a boycott on further study of the topic. The projection is based the expected continuation of observed social trends.
Sociologist PhD Sven Oberon Sanwar Ming led the review panel, first noting the trend when 50% of the group cancelled their participation, declaring Sociology to be founded by white men, who are all known to be oppressive bigots. This led Dr. Ming to consider the startling realization that nothing is immune from being cancelled, and decided he had better quickly study the remaining responses. Whether by sharing through Facebook or through news delivered via Snapchat, an exponentially increasing rate of change on what current social issue matters most continually rose throughout the experiment.
While full details are not yet published, one participant in the study was willing to share his comments and an upsetting story with us. Calling himself “Lightning Todd,” he described how this ever-changing phenomenon of cancel culture has impacted his ability to purchase prophylactics.
In attempting to obtain condoms for his soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend, Lightning Todd saw the fight back against racial oppression with his own eyes, watching magnums pulled from the shelf as soon as new displays were pulled from their packaging. The various brands did show moderate attempts at diversity: an Ethiopian and Iranian man and woman on one box and even two males, Japanese and Australian, but Tahitians, Zulus and Uighur Muslims were nowhere to be seen. “This lack of diversity is unacceptable,” Lightning Todd said, disgusted. “They don’t have condoms for lesbians either.”
While LT provided the only direct study group feedback, Dr. Sven Ming gave additional insight into the cancel culture movement, shortly before protestors peacefully flipped his racist Volkswagen in the parking lot. “We expect our observations to demonstrate a microcosm of American eventuality,” he called back as he ran from the scene. "The most important “woke” culture movements can become obsolete astonishingly fast, from gender terms to the lack of transgender representation on birth control packaging.”
While the experts’ unbiased intention was to study the rate of change and extent of cancel culture’s reach, the surprising prediction was that this phenomenon will eventually be rectified on its own. Due to the impossibility of its nature, cancel culture itself will succumb, as eventually there will no longer be anything left to cancel.
