Local Drunk Man Seeking Tattoo Accidentally Gets Vaccinated

     Shawano, WI— Bilibob Stuhl isn't just well-known by other locals throughout Shawano County for frequenting the area’s taverns; he is just as well known for his penchant to follow up drinking binges with unusual antics, not the least common of which involves additions to his body art. But one recent such occasion led to quite a different outcome than he expected, in a hilarious but heartwarming tale of mishap.
     May 30th commenced as a typical night: after a rousing debate with other bar patrons about the Packers O-line, health and the stubbornness of Japanese dog breeds, Bilibob stumbled toward home. He had visited his usual three bars in town, and hit another for a nightcap en route to his apartment, not an uncommon occurrence. After the latter he stopped for his typical bathroom break at the Kwik Trip and, again as usual, fed his leftover cheese curds to the hairless cat that lived in the dumpster.
     As fried cheese fell from the cat’s mouth and drool fell from Bilibob’s, he pondered part of the earlier conversation about health and his future in this pandemic-stricken world. He vaguely recalls considering, “Will I get Covid again? What if Andy’s right, my time on this planet is almost up? I should get another American Eagle inked on my arm!” At this point, Bilibob’s memory became fuzzy, and whether the events that transpired next were entirely accidental or the earlier health topic led to a subconscious decision may never be known.
     What is known is that Bilibob became disoriented and, rather than enter “Sorry Mom Tattoos,” instead wandered into the Shawano Health Center. After mumbling incoherently to the first person in sight, a nurse whisked him down the hall. The nurse, who wished to remain anonymous, only understood the words “eagle,” “needle” and “Rodgers,” which clearly indicated to her that this man wanted a vaccine.
     After the shot, Bilibob was released and staggered home, throwing up several times in front of his door before getting inside. He awoke nauseous, with a numb arm, red patches covering his body, and a dim recollection of the quickest tattoo ever. After a little hair of the dog, he decided (consciously this time) to go to the hospital to see why the tattoo had yielded such aftereffects.
     Billibob was upset to learn he was pricked by a needle that only left red blotches and bizarre hangover symptoms rather than a symbol of American pride, but decided the hospital knew what was best for him. He is currently saving to get his vaccine card tattooed where the eagle would have gone.

Zoom Video Communications Under Investigation: Software Allegedly Susceptible to Spreading Viruses, Including Covid

     Washington, D.C.—On Tuesday, a joint panel was convened by Facebook, the CDC, OSHA, and NIH to determine if recent allegations against Zoom Video Communications, Inc. were credible with respect to the spread of viruses. The company has previously been accused that their software purveys malicious content, but yesterday’s panel discussion focused specifically on whether or not they were culpable in contributing to the early transmission of Covid-19.
     When the virus of unknown origin arrived in the US from China in early 2020, drastic measures were taken to curb the spread, then flatten the curb. But that curve kept increasing anyway and the virus continued to spread, despite wise counsel from public health expert Dr. Anthony Fauci. He valiantly dictated that nobody leave their homes, first for two weeks, then two months, then two months more in some places, policies of which were carried out by government health organizations like the CDC.
     With these lockdowns as the only reliable tool in combatting Covid, Zoom quickly became a hip way for businesses to attempt avoiding failure and friends to believe they were socializing. The correlation of skyrocketing virus cases and increasing prevalence of the video-chatting platform first initiated concerns among some people as early as April, 2020. However, the origin of the virus or how it spread weren't addressed until former President Trump tweeted "Zoom is to blamey!" when transmission was dismissed as a xenophobic conspiracy theory.
     Since January though, the idea has gained widespread popularity, leading to yesterday's panel exploring Zoom’s potential role. Dr. Fauci had waved the idea off last year, saying, “The immune system’s goal is to protect the body against foreign invaders, including computers.” Yesterday, he changed his position: “The immune system cannot protect from foreign systems such as computers, which we don’t yet understand.”
     Mark Zuckerberg addressed Fauci's remark in a monotone: “Of course we understand computers, I was one.” He quickly laughed the comment off though, and added, ”that was a joke for dumb f***s on Facebook, I’m a lizard.”
     The discussion among America’s brainiest continued until Lebron James injured his thumb in the quarter slot of a gumball machine and cried that the day was over. The panel will resume after he recovers, in two weeks.

Reasonable Man Doctrine Now Deemed Infeasible

May 18, 2021
     US--After centuries of playing an integral role in the application of justice, another tool from the era of racism—4004 BC to 2021 AD—is now passing on, only to be remembered as a stain on previous generations. As our country’s current populace paves the way for posterity to achieve bliss at all costs, it has become apparent that there is no longer a need or even a possibility to apply what was previously termed “reasonable man doctrine.”
     The obvious first problem is that “man” is included in the title. No modern terminology should include non-non-binary terms, and such an oppressive, misogynist one at that. A second, sneaky issue is using the word reasonable. Since the term originates prior to 2020 AD, “reasonable” must mean something racist, something to propagate white supremacy. After all, Adam, the original racist from Eden, was allegedly formed in a “likeness” which is believed by some groups to be construed as “reason.” The very reason for cancelling the doctrine is summed up by its definition, which does not take into account the feelings or oppression of minorities. If something originated by a white man, it must only be for white men.
     With peaceful demonstrations operating under the novel understanding that we are all equal under the eyes of those in authority, we have seen how much progress can be made by moving away from problematic terms like “reason” and “man.” The epitome of the progress we all seek is exemplified by the wonderful, newly-formed society known as CHAZ. This paradigm of human interaction understandably puts the well being of the whole in front of any individual, and it begins by eliminating all outdated elements of law that included oppressive terms. Reason should be limited to speaking your truth.
     Tech leaders have thankfully taken the initiative to remove racist terms and ideologies from the Internet, cutting white supremacists off at the knee by limiting their information flow, so there shouldn’t be any worry of finding misinformation anymore. Now only the real history is being taught, the history that shows how the “reasonable man” has put down the real people, minorities and women. Any political leaders who are not part of a minority group must unexceptionally be racists and bigots, unless they ride the new wave of intelligence and fight for ancient terms to be shelved as “basically” Jim Crow.

Black Lives Matter Foregoes Developing African Chapters

May 7, 2021
     Los Angeles, CA—Black Lives Matter has been the country’s premier racial justice organization since the Civil War, focusing on ending white supremacy and police brutality. They have recently attempted to expand their magnanimous operation into Africa, as the continent and its wonderful countries are home to many people in the BLM movement, and actually all people ever, according to Charles Darwin. As such, it was deemed the logical place to move the movement, especially since Africa’s cultural practices dovetail nicely with BLM protesting guidelines. However, the organization’s leadership recently decided against the planned development, upon discovering there are no white police present in any of the proposed countries.
     “With BLM’s concentration on eliminating police, and especially those of a white nature, we have decided Ethiopia, Nigeria and Somalia will no longer be considered for new chapters,” co-founder Patrisse Khan-Cullors revealed in a recent interview. “Since they are already without white police, we can’t improve these countries, but we can use them as paradigms for the US and other countries that are less enlightened.”
     Some of the organization’s members were disappointed by the announcement, but with the ultimate goal being to create a better United States, they realized they should trust their beneficent leaders. Patrisse Khan-Cullors demonstrated the reason for confidence in BLM leadership and foresight by purchasing homes in each of the previously proposed countries, in case the demographics change and racist white police pop up.

Marxism: The Latest Cancel Culture Victim Is Confusing, Despite Involving A White Male

May 7, 2021
     London, UK—Information is not always hidden or esoteric, but time may be necessary for it to sift through the colander of culturally appropriate thought. Once that happens, those ramifications become breaking news, and through that passage of time, oppressive, racist ideologies are recognized, drawn, quartered and cancelled, although the most recent threat to oppressed people poses quite the conundrum. Karl Marx—the founder of Marxism and affiliated class- and race-based socialist ideologies positing that white men are destroying the universe—was himself a white male, who consequently must have been bent on destroying the universe.
     Now all 423,650,345,603 identified progressive democratic socialists and their ancillary ilk in the United States of Anarchy, er, America have been philosophically turned upside down by this racial revelation. The fact was only recently recognized, when well-intentioned socialist history buffs attempted to circulate pictures of their dogma’s originator, assuming the person would be a minority, or at least only a half-white woman.
     But now all those socialist-derived theories espoused by progressive ideologists and social scientists are being called into question. If this idea of white male-dominated bourgeoisie—known to oppress and exploit anyone unfortunate enough not to be born white and privileged—was in fact founded by a white male, what credence could it hold?
     “The state of confusion for us socialists is palpable,” activist Rodrick Alfonsus summarized, very disheartened. “We know how much white men oppress everyone and they don’t know it. But that means Marx didn’t know he was an oppressor too, so we can no longer accept his teachings. It’s a paradox like going back in time and becoming your own grandfather.”
     This confusion extends across a wide spectrum of personal truths that are steeped in socialist thought, even extrapolating to a crisis in the religion based on Marxism, the Denomination of Natural Character (the DNC), which has fronted many current movements. But since Marx was a white man, and all ideologies relating to socialism are without exception derived from Marx, they must be unequivocally oppressive as well.
     What happens when the messiah’s philosophy contradicts its own mantras? Only those adhering to that philosophy can opine, so we reached out to several socialist activists in the DNC for their thoughts.

     “I can’t listen to a white German man, that’s basically like listening to Hitler. Tell me something good he said, other than enacting gun control?” Demanded by the Reverend Jeremiah Wainwright Washington Bascomb.

     “How could this happen? We were just making progress against capitalist tyranny, now all our politicians still holding onto these ideas need to be impeached.” Inez Crkovich bemoaned the situation.

     “White men are at the base of all treachery against minorities, and all thoughts from Marx must be cancelled. I’m moving to North Korea.” Declared by Elise Vasquez-Tchotchke.

     “I’m just glad more white men are being cancelled, they’re in the way of us demanding recognition that the ruling class controls capital, law enforcement, and exploits labor of the unfortunate proletariat.” Brittany Soo Wong declared. Upon pointing out that’s actually derived directly from Marx, she shouted “racist” and threatened to call the police.

     Since the various Marxist philosophies and religions are losing membership quickly, an exodus to other schools of thought has occurred, with the destinations varying by demographic.
     Many white male socialists were already under strain from supporting a philosophy that actually excluded their viewpoints, so they sought a more welcoming ideological place in the Church of Scientology. Scientology is not as friendly to non-whites though, so BIPOC had to look further: to the free and open arms of radical Islam.
     Of course, while the appeal of 72 virgins drew many men from this demographic, women of color who are not yet transgender felt excluded. Thus began a growing movement to the lesbian peace activists called Buddha Bush. The remains of those leaving Marxist teachings are scattered across other schools of thought, with one man saying he decided to become Jesus and move to a bowling alley in Southern California.

Three Woke Little Pigs

     Once upon a time there lived an old mother pig with three little pigs. She became woke and her mind was opened, now fully aware these unrelated little pigs were not pulling their own weight in her society, and she could no longer gather enough food to feed them all. So she declared a crisis and exacted a tax, where each of the pigs now had a choice: contribute a fair share to feed her, go off their own ways, or be free to starve. The three little pigs immediately scurried away. They had not a care in the world as they scampered off, since they were each of unique backgrounds, possessed self-worth and confidence, and through their diversity exemplified the epitome of equity.
     The first pig felt that because he was raised in a system that never allowed him an opportunity, he deserved something to make up for it. But woe was him! his self-worth did not match his environment. Since nobody was there to provide for him, he was forced to act on his own, most unfairly. His mindset was righteous; he deserved help from someone else, but he was lazy and decided to make a house as easy as possible until someone came along to help him/ He gathered straw, and through a day of painstaking efforts built a ramshackle house. He spent the next month clamoring about how difficult he had it.
     The second pig was not as lazy, but felt that he too deserved something to make up for never being allowed an opportunity to make something for himself. So while complaining about it, he made something for himself. His confidence enabled him to build a house of sticks, but his lack of knowledge and attention to detail meant it only took three days, being less than solid. After that he fretted loudly about how he deserved a house like any other pig.
     The last little pig had something wrong with him. He strangely failed to consider his circumstances, and proceeded to make bricks, mortar, decorative wood fascia, a pig iron gate and stove without so much as a murmur. He learned skills to construct a solid home and did so over a month. The first two pigs mocked him until the house began to take shape, then they self-righteously criticized how much he had and how poorly they lived. The foolish third pig did not even respond about his industrious behavior unfairly landing him in a better situation.
     A month later, as the third pig finished his home, a big bad wolf happened by the pigs’ community. Upon approaching the straw house he smelled the pig inside. He knocked on the door and said, “Little pig, little pig, let me in!” But the little pig saw the wolf's large claws scratching under the door and said, “No, no, no, not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”
     The wolf showed his teeth and said, “then I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house in!” So he huffed and he puffed and he blew the house down, snapping his jaws at the squealing pig, who luckily escaped to join the second pig in his house of sticks.
     Trotting down the lane, the wolf stopped and knocked on the second pig’s door. “Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!” The pigs replied, “No, no, no, not by the hairs on our chinny chin chins!” So the wolf said again, “then I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house in!” And he huffed and he puffed and he blew the house in, but upon trying to snatch both pigs at once failed to get either, and they scampered to the brick house, where the third pig gallantly heard their plight and let them in just before the wolf caught up.
     The wolf was frustrated and hungry and misunderstood. The pigs began blaming all their problems on him. “Wolves are the reason I was never able to accomplish anything,” the first pig whined. The second chimed in, “he always tries to get what he wants, just like the pigs who can afford nice houses like this.” With that comment they both glared at the third pig, who had left his stove to get something from a closet. They thought, this house was already built, why did they need the third pig now?
     “You’re to blame for the wolf attacking us like this!” The first pig shouted. The second declared, "we've voted, 2 to 1, that you don't help our society!" He responded, “but that doesn’t make any sense, I let you in here and even have a way to protect us from—“ but before he could finish or get whatever it was from the closet, the first two pigs threw him in the kettle on the stove. Jubilantly, they congratulated each other on their democratic vote causing a win for the just.
     The wolf realized no amount of huffing and puffing could blow the brick house down, but would bring a strong man to his knees, so he decided on another strategem. He called out, "Free government checks!" The two little pigs quickly opened the door and rushed into the wolf's waiting, watering mouth.

Dr. Fauci Suggests New Policies For Unvaccinated Individuals

April 18, 2021
     Washington, D.C.--In another magnanimous gesture, Dr. Fauci has once again recommended Covid-19 policies that will save the American people, and eventually the world. He most recently addressed potential solutions for dealing with any backwards folks claiming the existence of a right to consent in medical treatment. Suggestions included separating unvaccinated individuals into their own bathrooms and water fountains, placing them at the rear of public transit vehicles, and preventing allowance of home loans in certain areas of LA.
     “Science shows everyone wants a vaccine,” the Covid champion declared, “but if they don't, we'll show they're not as important.” He proudly reminded the audience of his previous vindication: “when I commanded wearing two masks even after getting vaccinated, look how well everyone listened!”
     When questioned on how his suggestions might impact individual rights, a rare display of irritation arose. “The right has been the problem all along,” Fauci growled. He quickly added, more gently, “of course an individual has rights. But they are inferior to our perspective on policy at any given time.”
     Dr. Fauci concluded by rhetorically asking, “Why would you question when I know what’s best for you?”

Cancel Culture Expanding So Rapidly It Will Eventually Cancel Itself

April 17, 2021
     Roan”Woke”, VA—A new study predicts the support of cancel culture is growing so rapidly that it will inevitably cancel itself. The surprising result comes from 4,096 responses out of Virginia Western Community College, where experts leading the analysis were so confident in their prediction that they declared a boycott on further study of the topic. The projection is based the expected continuation of observed social trends.
     Sociologist PhD Sven Oberon Sanwar Ming led the review panel, first noting the trend when 50% of the group cancelled their participation, declaring Sociology to be founded by white men, who are all known to be oppressive bigots. This led Dr. Ming to consider the startling realization that nothing is immune from being cancelled, and decided he had better quickly study the remaining responses. Whether by sharing through Facebook or through news delivered via Snapchat, an exponentially increasing rate of change on what current social issue matters most continually rose throughout the experiment.
     While full details are not yet published, one participant in the study was willing to share his comments and an upsetting story with us. Calling himself “Lightning Todd,” he described how this ever-changing phenomenon of cancel culture has impacted his ability to purchase prophylactics.
     In attempting to obtain condoms for his soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend, Lightning Todd saw the fight back against racial oppression with his own eyes, watching magnums pulled from the shelf as soon as new displays were pulled from their packaging. The various brands did show moderate attempts at diversity: an Ethiopian and Iranian man and woman on one box and even two males, Japanese and Australian, but Tahitians, Zulus and Uighur Muslims were nowhere to be seen. “This lack of diversity is unacceptable,” Lightning Todd said, disgusted. “They don’t have condoms for lesbians either.”
     While LT provided the only direct study group feedback, Dr. Sven Ming gave additional insight into the cancel culture movement, shortly before protestors peacefully flipped his racist Volkswagen in the parking lot. “We expect our observations to demonstrate a microcosm of American eventuality,” he called back as he ran from the scene. "The most important “woke” culture movements can become obsolete astonishingly fast, from gender terms to the lack of transgender representation on birth control packaging.”
     While the experts’ unbiased intention was to study the rate of change and extent of cancel culture’s reach, the surprising prediction was that this phenomenon will eventually be rectified on its own. Due to the impossibility of its nature, cancel culture itself will succumb, as eventually there will no longer be anything left to cancel.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Discusses His 1994 Documentary 'Junior' And How Much Easier It Is For Fathers To Give Birth Today

April 16, 2021
     New York, NY--Today Good Morning America treated us to a break from nationwide violence and divisive politics with a feel-good piece: Arnold Schwarzenegger reminiscing about his landmark documentary film, and how it really set the stage today for eliminating gender roles in giving birth.
      "I remember how the doctors REFUSED to accept that I wanted to be the one delivering our baby," the former bodybuilder said intensely, but with his contagious laugh. "I had to keep telling them, ‘It’s not a tumor!’"
      The actor and fitness professional-turned-politician also discussed how proud he was to be one of the first fathers to stop mooching off mothers when it comes to familial responsibility and caregiving. “In our family, it’s always been about equality, and that’s sometimes political” Arnold mused. “But I’m not into politics, I’m into survival.”

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